By Sharon Gorman, D.C.
Blame No One, wait, but it is their fault. I can’t be accountable for their actions. It’s all their fault. They are screwing me. If only they would do it my way.
The big problem with living with a victim mentality is that you can’t change other people and if you rely on them to make your life work than you have given away your power. Have you ever heard the expression “living life on life’s terms?” I used to want everything to go my way (and still do). What I have come to find out is that life is not predictable. Life is not always the same. If I was to only be happy when life was working out the way that I wanted it to then I would be setting myself up to be happy only part of the time and be totally at effect to the events of my life.
I have come to find out that it is not always appropriate to be happy either. Life comes with a lot of flavors. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am introspective and sometimes I am confused, sad or lonely. I used to strive for happiness and make that one of my major goals of life. That is not what life is. I now strive for inner peace and serenity. If my relationship is strong with God than I find it a lot easier to be willing to feel the good and bad of life. The level of my spirituality and my relationship with God is not a static process. It is not the same from one day to the next. Some days the glass looks half empty and some days half full.
There is not much power in believing that my spiritual condition is dependent on the episodes of my life. Sometimes when life isn’t going the way that I want it to I get mad at God. That is when I know I’m in a lot of trouble. God is always on my side. Sometimes life doesn’t seem to be going my way but God is always my rock and my strength. God is my secret weapon. My relationship with God helps me feel safe. Blaming other people or God can sometimes make me feel better because I don’t feel like I have to take responsibility for how things are turning out. If it is “his or her” fault than I don’t have to feel like “I” fell short.
Expect Nothing – sounds real good on paper but isn’t that impossible? I mean if you spend your life working real hard and trying to always do the next right thing don’t you do that with the knowledge and expectation that your life will be better? I mean wouldn’t it be “easier” to do what “feels” good at the moment rather than do what might make your life better tomorrow?
The less that I expect the more pleased I am when things turn out well. And what is well? Well is what happens when it turns out the way I expect it to? Have I confused you yet? I’m trying to make you think here a little bit. You see I have an expectation as I sit here at the computer sharing my thoughts with you. I don’t quite know how not to expect. When I have been able to put aside my expectations I have found it much easier to be grateful. On the other side there have been times in my life in which I haven’t done enough because I was afraid to be disappointed. I was afraid of the prospect of it not turning out “right.” It will never all turn out “right ” because if it does I know that I haven’t been attempting enough. I only learn and grow when I am willing to continue to attempt.
As I look back at the results of my efforts than I can look back and use that experience to become more effective in my future efforts. I expect it to turn out better the next time yet I am willing to have it turn out the way that it turns out. Not everything is in my control and I have to produce the action that will create the hoped for result and than I need to release it and have it turn out any way that it will. Sometimes the more I care about how something turns out the more energy I put into the actions of creating the hoped for the results. I suppose I try harder. Is that bad? No, as long as I am willing to accept the result and be grateful that all the good that comes out of any result and not focus on the “bad.”
Do Something. When push comes to shove it all boils down to your intention and how much energy you are willing to put out. What you put out has to come back. It is a law. So many of us get stuck on talking about how we can make it work and than worrying about it and then beating ourselves up about how things might have not worked out the way that we hoped them to in the past that we don’t actually produce much “energy” into the actual cause. Our level of commitment to a project often dictates how much we are actually willing to do to make it work. It all about the doing. It is all about the action. Whining doesn’t help. Just like when a patient wants to talk about their symptom all of the time it isn’t too good for them (let alone you) because what they are focusing on the are going to get more of. Same goes for your life. If you spend time thinking about the things in your life that are outside of your ability to change or if you feel sorry for yourself because how some of the things in your past haven’t worked out the way you wanted to, then you will get more of that.
When I find myself doing that too much I especially know that I have too much time on my hands and I need to get busy. I need to get to work so that I have positive things to work on. I need to be busy serving instead of sitting and stewing. I need to be busy giving away the abundance that God has been gracious enough to give me in order to keep in an abundant state of mind. You can’t keep anything that you don’t give away. In the action of doing something I actually experience that same thing. I feel love when loving. I feel abundance when giving and I feel useful when serving. It is human nature to want to make a difference. I serve God by serving man. I fulfill my purpose in the doing. When I want to retreat is when I know I must advance. When I most want to shrink I know I must get out of my comfort zone and grow. When I feel unloved is when I most need to love. When I feel like I am blaming others and that my expectations haven’t been met is when I need to reconnect with my God and thrust myself into ACTION.
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