By Sharon Gorman, D.C.
No, I’m not talking about the kind you do with sneakers on. I’m talking about the option of running from the “stuff” of your life. It always makes me smile when someone tells me that I am hard to reach and they have been trying to get in touch with me for a while. I have to be the most findable person on the planet. I’m always somewhere, with a cell phone on my hip and when you have four kids you can’t keep it such a big secret where you are most of the time. I always have seen myself as someone who is always “there.” Physically I am very present yet I’ve got to admit I have a strong desire to run. Like one of my favorite old saying goes “when things get tough the tough go shopping.” I want to leave. I want the diversion. I am a master runner. When I was younger I ran to food to numb my feelings. I also used food to keep me overweight (125lbs+) and keep people at arms distance from me. I felt safe when I was less attractive and less people wanted to penetrate the wall that I have put up between me and the rest of the world. The wall became a physical wall of fat. After the pain of carrying the weight around got too great I resorted to other forms of running. Now let me get this straight, there is a time and place for almost everything but when you go to these things to avoid what you are supposed to do next than you are running. I hide from confrontation at all costs and believe you me there is a very high price. As I get older I realize that a small confrontation that can be handled today can often prevent a much uglier confrontation later on and since I realize now that later on usually isn’t as much later on as I wish it would be that it is easier to stay and face the music.
Procrastination can also fall into this category. If I slow down the action I hope that I also can slow down the action, if you know what I mean. I think that the fun of being alive is being able to experience the roller coaster called life and learn from it willingly when the train is going up or down. Sounds good on paper but when life starts hurting or I should say that I start hurting than I want to run. It hurts not because I can’t accept the situations of my life, it hurts because I am not happy with how I reacted or should I say acted given the circumstances of life which I agree aren’t all in my control. I feel bad for my insecurities or inadequacies. I want to fix everything. Sometimes the situation is so out of my control that I disappear myself AKA run. I can’t stand to look at the situation and if I leave it all alone sometimes it shows up even worse later on. Yet when I want to run I want to run and there is no talking to me. I want out.
Sometimes in the course of being in relationship with someone, my “stuff” will come into play and “ruin” everything. Let’s face it, we all have “stuff.” I believe we are in relationship with the people that we are in relationship with because they have similar stuff. That is usually the stuff that pisses us off the most. God puts their stuff in front of me so I can see how the stuff operates better. I can see the price. Until I see the price for something I am doing that isn’t working I won’t change it. Why should I, if it is still working? I’ll tell you why I am dedicating myself to running less. If I run enough and keep myself busy enough ultimately I won’t have time to think of my issues but also the price is that I will lose myself. I will totally lose touch with who I am, what I need and why I do what I do. There is no great price for me. Some of the things I run to seem like awfully good causes and they are yet I can’t keep going like that forever. Life isn’t about the destination. It is about the moment. Am I here right now? If I lost the “nows” I lost everything.
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